Hmmmm.....

Not really a blog entry.

More of an, um, observation.

I only seem motivated to write, or post, when I'm really pissed or really hurting.

Usually really, really pissed.

I don't do pissed well.

Does anyone "do pissed well"?

(God, that sounds sooooo stupid!)

And that makes me look like a complaining, whiny, ungrateful, depressing slug!

I like observing and noticing.

Then I play my VERY dangerous game of... "Connect the Dots"!

Kinda similar to "6 Degrees of Kevin Bacon".

(On a side note, I think I heard Google purchased the rights to "6  Degrees of Kevin Bacon".

Really?

I'll go Google it now...

Hang on a sec....

Wow... go to Google; type in "bacon number" followed by the name of an actor; it will search a database; give a number; and show the connection.

Yes.

I just wasted 15 minutes.

Most people are "2"s.

Kevin, himself, is a "0".

Ha!)

Yes.

And that's another observation of myself, I really dig tangents! For years and years I could never find my way back to the original point. I've worked on, and have gotten much better at "bringing it on home". But I still fall into the trap!

And, procrastination! If there isn't a timeline or a deadline attached to something; if it's something I don't HAVE to do (note: WANT to do and HAVE to do are two completely different beasts!), then I go on and on and on and on and on and on and on...... ! For example, this post, up through the Kevin Bacon portion, was written on Sept 22... today is Black Friday 2012... Nov 23! Two entire MONTHS have lapsed since I started this post!

What I stated at the very beginning still holds true... this really isn't a post, more of some observations.

Wow, it took two months, but I circled back to the original thought! And, not even 10 minutes have passed! :)

I think I'm gonna head out to Starbucks now.

Have a lovely day!

On Being Angry

WARNING: this entry contains a landmine of f-bombs!

To quote Lisbeth’s t-shirt…

I am beyond livid right now! 

Okay… just really pissed! 

But, I'm also pissed that I had a delayed reaction of knowing I was pissed.

AND, pissed that this person doesn’t have call-waiting, a cell phone (to text) or Internet (to e-mail)! The longer I get that BUSY SIGNAL on the phone, the madder I'm getting!

And, please note... this was only a mere 7 minutes after we hung up. 

Hell, years ago it would’ve taken me 2 – 3 MONTHS to have my reaction!

Seriously!

I KNOW it was immediate in my tone/response, but my head does this funny thing with, “we’re not gonna let you process this right now because we want a bagel and get a bit of self sabotaging done!"

But, yeah. He crossed the line. Again.

Ya know, here’s the way I see it and feel when it comes to dealing with me. I may have to re-think/re-adjust my ways, but here goes (Please note: I know this may not seem entirely fair):

1.     Don’t lie to me;

2.    Don’t lie to me;

3.    Don’t try to play me for a fool;

4.    Don’t lie to me;

5.    Don’t make up an excuse for something you haven’t even done; tell me you told me because you “know how I think” and then add on an extra excuse which gives the illusion of this being MY FAULT (when there was nothing there to begin with – now you have me feeling shitty about myself). I read somewhere if you feel the need to justify a situation with more than one reason (excuse) when trying to smooth something out to make it not look like you had any ownership in the “issue” that didn’t even exist an hour earlier, chances are (and I’ll put it into my own words), you are a FUCKING FUCK full of SHIT!!!;

6.    Don’t lie to me;

7.    Don’t lie to me;

8.    Don’t bullshit or try to scam me;

9.  Know that you DIDN’T “get away” with it. Know there was NOTHING to “get away” with until you made it as such; and, finally…

10.  DON’T FUCKING LIE TO ME!!!

Okay… that being said, I haven’t decided if I’m just going to drive over there to have a face-to-face talk (yell… cry… whatever!) since I cannot fucking get through on the fucking phone!

* DEEP BREATH *

I woke up in a great mood this morning! I got to re-connect with a dear friend yesterday and one this morning. Will admit, my ankle is hurting (in the hard to stand/walk sense of the word), but it wasn’t until the portion of this 3^rd phone call (to me) when the, “I know how you think” stuff started, oh-while trying to confirm something from me (via my job), that made me feel used.

Again.

* DEEP BREATH *

A shrink of mine, years ago, said I really am NOT passive aggressive. She said I was passive and usually just acted like a doormat. She said she could understand why people thought I was passive aggressive… because anytime I had the guts/courage to stand up for myself/say what I felt, they weren’t used to/conditioned to hear me voice something different. Whether that’s the case or not, I know I do NOT handle being mad well…

But, I’m going to try!

* ONE LAST DEEP BREATH *

:-)

PS - Hours after this journal entry was finished I finally got through. He knows I am angry, but I said we needed to talk, and I didn't want to do it over the phone. I take full ownership of my passive aggressive behavior here. And, in writing/venting this, I now need to

let

it

go.

***

Thoughts on a Sunday

No one has ever had my undying love,

Nor do I think they will.

How can I share

What’s been hidden so deep?

So deep in which even I doubt its existence?

Ah, but it has to be there!

Somewhere.

Doesn’t it?

Or else, why am I here?

Are those of us,

The “never have been”s,

Here to serve, entertain and be reminders

To the “those who have”?

Of what their lives could’ve been…

If only they hadn’t?

Oh, the thick, high, sturdy walls

I’ve put up and kept up!

Was it out of a sense of duty?

Loyalty?

Did I agree to be a martyr

For matters of the heart?

Because, surely, there needs to be one

So everyone else may enjoy their bliss!

Right?

Is my gift…

My purpose…

To this world

NOT to love,
NOT to be loved,

So others may?

I’m finally beginning to doubt that.

But, that was the agreement going in,

Wasn't it?

How dare I change the rules?

For a brief moment

I lived in the present.

It was glorious!

It was beautiful!

My walls disappeared!

I felt myself not feeling

I had to keep the martyr status.

No one needs that!

Then one day,

With my walls down,

I fell

Out of the present.

And I have been falling…

And falling…

And falling…

Ever since.

I haven’t admitted

To the crash.

To the burn.

To being hurt.

So, I will now.

I hurt!

My heart aches.

I can pinpoint events,

But refuse to blame

Anyone but myself.

So, watching parents with their children,

And couples with each other

I wonder if it’s just

“The grass is always greener”,

Or, am I just the court jester this time around?

No one has ever had my undying love

Nor do I think they will.

But I need to acknowledge,

And try to mend,

My broken heart.

You, Again.

I thought about you, again, today.

Oh, hell... I think about you almost every day.

Today was about the last time our paths crossed.

I'd never been to Dodgers' Stadium and a couple of tickets were raffled off for a Friday night game - box seats - and I was one of the winners! The thought popped in my head when I saw the other winner this morning, as I rarely think of baseball.

It was the LA Dodgers vs the Colorado Rockies.

I was mingling with our hosts and occasionally watching the game when, out of the blue... you walked in!

You didn't see me at first, which was fine. It actually allowed me the few moments I needed to regain my composure! You see, time actually stopped when you I saw you.

So, I watched you interacting with others.

Hey, did you know I was born on "The Day of the Observer"? It's true!

But then, you saw me.

I will never forget the smile growing on your face as you excused yourself and made your way over.

Next Monday will actually be two years since that chance meeting. Yeah, I tend to remember dates oh, too well!

Then tonight, while watching TV, I hit a wrong channel...

The LA Dodgers were playing the Colorado Rockies.

:-)

A Side of Fries

Nothing is wasted time.

We learn from everything we do...
           and don't do.

Writer's block sucks!

It's more like, there are
too many thoughts going on
in my head at the same time...
so they jam up.

*blech!*

Guess I'm just looking for that knife.
No, not the sharp one.
The one you stick up into the
inverted bottle of ketsup
that you've been shaking, hitting and
thumping for the past 10 minutes.

My french fries are getting cold!

By puncturing that air-tight seal,
Red goop comes pouring out.

Much, much more than I need or wanted.

A huge pool of ketsup.
A huge pool of my thoughts.

A waterfall. Overwhelming me.
I get pulled under the tide.
Which way is up?
Realizing I'm holding my breath.
Wondering how long I can hold on.

Will it be long enough?

What if it's not?
Anxiety kicks in - making me want to breathe.

In my heart of hearts
I know all will be well.
This, too, shall pass.
I may even forget this whole drama when it is over.

It will be as it should.

But in the mean time I'm wondering...
Do I really need ketsup anyway?

Kudos Are Nice

This sooo made my day this past Wednesday morning!  :)



About Me

I realised something right before my nap today...

I'm a totally free-spirited, uninhibited and spontaneous soul who, some where along the way, has developed a strong craving for structure, rules and security... so I can rebel against it!

(this is not a blog... just a thought I wanted to put some where!)