Catching Up

(This blog was started on Aug 16; completed on Oct 18. Sorry about that!)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I haven't blogged in a long, long time.







And, I miss it.







A lot has happened since I moved last November.







A new president.







The economy taking a dive like nothing ever seen in my life time.



People losing their jobs.



Their homes.



Their stocks/savings/retirement funds.



Their dignity.



Their hopes and dreams.



It was as if the entire country became fearful and, mentally, went into a depression.







My closest friend for the past 26 years was able to marry his partner.



He opted not to tell me about it, nor invite me to the wedding.



While this hurt, it was the lies afterwards, that absolutely broke my heart and crossed that line of no return.



I am truly happy for them, and still get along.



I just can't let this go (I am crying as I type this).







In January I started going to the gym 3 - 5 days a week before work to use the bike. Starting with only being able to do 10 minutes on level 4, I've worked my way up to 20 minutes (the max allowed) on level 15 with 30 second kick-ass peaks every 2 1/2 minutes. On June 1 I added 100 abs (50 front crunches; 50 obliques) and 10 push ups every day. This is all in addition to aerobics 3 - 5 times per week. I've also incorporated other ab and back exercises, as well as some stretching. Oh... and for the past 6 months I have not had to do aerobics from a chair! I still have a couple of limitations, but I'm pretty much back to the full force intensity I've missed for sooooo long! It feels so good to sweat and know you worked out really hard!







The Swine Flu broke out. This sounds horrible, but this seemed to take every one's mind off the economy. Just something I noticed.







I started wearing contacts again. Love it! Same Rx as last time with the exception, since I'm older now, I need those reader glasses (from the drug store) to see close when my contacts are on. So now I kinda feel like Elton John in the late 70s...
I have my regular Rx glasses;



regular Rx sunglasses;



regular Rx computer glasses;



non-Rx sunglasses (for when I'm wearing my contacts); and



the above mentioned "readers" to see close up when I'm wearing my contacts!



I've brought the wrong glasses to work a couple of times.



Luckily, I now only live 4 minutes away!







I started selling Avon in April.



I stopped this past Thursday.



They say I owe them $2.93, but I have a balance of $41.00.



I did discover/like their eyeliner (glimmersticks)... and, I do have "connections"! lol!







In April, while our office was checking out the Se' San Diego Hotel, my other long time friend and I parted ways, as well. This one was hard, as well, and I don't feel comfortable writing about it. But, this hurt to my core as well. (on a totally different note, this is where I discovered Gilchrist and Soams!)

(***** above is from Aug 15. below is from Oct 18 *****)

In June, just a few days after my abs/push ups routine started, I met someone... who has no idea how my life has changed because of this. We just started talking. He'd just lost some weight and was really into working out.

Hmmmm... I could certainly relate to that!

We ended up talking for about an hour. I found myself telling him things I've never spoke with anyone else about. I was entranced listening to what he shared with me about his life. I was excited because I rarely meet anyone new, much less feel that immediate connection. Ya know, that "oh-we-were-always-supposed-t0-know-each-other" feeling. (that doesn't come along all that often). By the end of the conversation, I was smiling and blushing. He's interesting, charming, clever, tall, handsome, flirty and cracks me up! And, let's just say, I flirted back!

Over the summer I've had profiles on 4 different on-line dating sites. I've met a couple of guys. The ones I've met have been nice and/or interesting... but just not for me. I've also taken my profiles down off of 4 different on-line dating sites! There are a lot of creepy people out there! It scared me! I KNOW there are tons of couples who've met that way, my gut just not feel this is the way for me.

This new "world" has got me feeling crazy. One day feeling on top of the world. The next, feeling so not worth it. And since I've struggled most of my life "not feeling worth it" (from my weight issues), I've been hitting lower lows.

This has me shutting down.

From friends.

From responsibilities.

From life.

This is when I should be reaching out and asking for help. Unfortunately, this is also when I am so ashamed and feel like a major f*ck up.

However, I was blessed (in Aug/Sep) to be able to go to rehearsals and be an extra in Richard's upcoming dvds/infomercials. I got a LOT of extra workouts in because of this; met a lot of great people; got to help out; and had a GREAT time! BTW... the choreography is soooo cute and they are great/fun workouts! Can't wait to see them!

Today, I am trying to figure out what I am going to do about some things.

I want the solutions NOW!

I want everything to be fixed/resolved NOW!

I want to be married for the past 10 years with a loving husband, wonderful kids, a nice house, money on the bank (and wise investments) NOW!

I want to just curl up in my bed and rock back and forth!

A Venti for Venting

This should/may be short. Just need to write down a couple of things to hopefully release them and get out of this funk.

I, on occasion, go to meetings of a 12-Step program. We have a lot of sayings and beliefs. In fact, they are even mentioned at the beginning of every meeting. One is (and I am paraphrasing), "there are no stars or VIPs. We come together as compulsive (purposely leaving addiction out), be it new comer or seasoned long-timer". Then, there's also the anonymity part of it all. So, what's my beef with this? Today's speaker, while having a lot of recovery, kept specifically name dropping all the other long-timers and how to be included among them is just par for the course. To me, that breaks both of the "no stars/VIPs" and the "anonymity'. Actually, this was a big part of why I left the program a few years ago. The hypocrisy of it all. I think it's all right to say you have many years of recovery, and you may say something along the lines of "fellow members", but naming names is wrong. And, that pisses me off.

Another thing... why do people, especially your friends, lie? My feelings at this very moment is they are really not my friends at all. I mean, there's that old bs of, "we just didn't want to hurt your feelings". Come on! Being honest may be hard, uncomfortable or difficult from time to time, and you may hurt hearing it, but... with the truth you can (well, I can) be pissed for a little while and then get over it and move on. Lies only seen to foster more lies. Someone said the other day "Trust is like a plate. Once broken, you can glue it back together. But, it will never be the same."

Don't know why I needed to vent, but that's what blogging's all about, isn't it? I'm wondering if these bother me because I'm in a little funk and if I'm becoming a hypocrite and a liar (to myself... hopefully not others!).

Okay. That's it for now.

"Keep coming back. It works if you work it!"

Blah, blah, blah

So, I'm sitting here feeling a little down (angry), and Sex and the City is on. I didn't have HBO when the series originally ran, so I've only seen the syndicated versions.

Tonight's episode is entitled "My Motherboard, My Self". Carrie's computer crashes and everyone tells her how she should've been backing things up (on a zip drive) all along. She seems to have absolutely no idea what they are talking about and resists having to learn about it at first (a couple of friends have been trying to explain this concept to me this past week).

The other part of the episode is about Miranda's mother suddenly passing away. I tend to lose it watching anyone deal with the loss of a parent. I immediately go back to my father (but I just can't go into that right now). What I did see were the different ways friends try to comfort one another. Then Carrie's narration at the end of the funeral was exactly what I needed to hear right now:

"There is the kind of support you ask for, and the kind of support you don't ask for, and then there's the kind that just shows up."

(here's a link. it's a bit long, but the narration is at the end).

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=V-NifGaTEng

***********************************

Who thinks the people they hold dear to them will ever not be a part of their lives? If we thought that way, we'd never bother investing ourselves in friendships. I mean, why bother? Right?

What I choose to focus on right now are the wonderful, loving and supportive people who ARE in my life, all of whom I am so blessed to have! These are the people who give me support when I've asked, when I haven't or, they've just showed up! I truly thank and appreciate you all for being there!

Now... just need to get (and learn how to use) a zip drive!

My word for the new year is...

Mindful.

I like it. It seems like a kind, reassuring... yet, responsible... word.
Quite frankly, I don't think I've ever really used that word too much in the past. I'm not even sure how/why it popped up.

But, it has and I like it!

I will think of this word before diving into any arena, be it about food/diet; finances; work; family; friends; relationships; choosing how I react to a situation or feeling.

Thinking this word as often as I can will greatly assist me in being the kind of person I would like to be. Well, actually am... but with the walls beginning to lower.

Wishing a beautiful, peaceful and mindful 2009 to all!