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| This sooo made my day this past Wednesday morning! :) |
Saturday, February 19, 2011
About Me
I realised something right before my nap today...
I'm a totally free-spirited, uninhibited and spontaneous soul who, some where along the way, has developed a strong craving for structure, rules and security... so I can rebel against it!
(this is not a blog... just a thought I wanted to put some where!)
I'm a totally free-spirited, uninhibited and spontaneous soul who, some where along the way, has developed a strong craving for structure, rules and security... so I can rebel against it!
(this is not a blog... just a thought I wanted to put some where!)
Thursday, February 17, 2011
* sigh *
I wish he'd want to hold me forever.
But, he doesn't.
I wish he desired me.
But, he doesn't.
I wish I was the one he wants to be with.
But, I'm not.
I wish I was who he is looking for.
But, I'm not.
So, why do I feel closer and closer?
Why have I started to imagine the "what ifs"?
Why have I started to feel?
I've never done that before.
Thought I could control things.
* sigh *
I guess my crash, after the fall, will be pretty messy.
But, he doesn't.
I wish he desired me.
But, he doesn't.
I wish I was the one he wants to be with.
But, I'm not.
I wish I was who he is looking for.
But, I'm not.
So, why do I feel closer and closer?
Why have I started to imagine the "what ifs"?
Why have I started to feel?
I've never done that before.
Thought I could control things.
* sigh *
I guess my crash, after the fall, will be pretty messy.
Tuesday, February 15, 2011
Want
I want...
to be desired...
to be strong...
to be silly...
to be loved...
to be happy...
to feel peace...
to not be alone...
to be wrapped in his arms...
to feel safe...
to not only be financially secure, but have more than enough money to enjoy life without worry and being able to help others...
to really learn to play the guitar...
to be brave...
to not be so scared...
to know real friends don't leave just because I fuck up...
to know what love is (i want you to show me!)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=loWXMtjUZWM&feature=related
(sorry... a brief Foreigner moment!)...
to feel free...
to see and believe in my dreams and potential...
to meet that special someone to share life with...
But, for now...
my "wants" are but "wishes".
to be desired...
to be strong...
to be silly...
to be loved...
to be happy...
to feel peace...
to not be alone...
to be wrapped in his arms...
to feel safe...
to not only be financially secure, but have more than enough money to enjoy life without worry and being able to help others...
to really learn to play the guitar...
to be brave...
to not be so scared...
to know real friends don't leave just because I fuck up...
to know what love is (i want you to show me!)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=loWXMtjUZWM&feature=related
(sorry... a brief Foreigner moment!)...
to feel free...
to see and believe in my dreams and potential...
to meet that special someone to share life with...
But, for now...
my "wants" are but "wishes".
Sunday, February 13, 2011
Can Anyone Help Me???
Why, oh why, can I not figure out how (or where to go) to figure out how to change my blog so it actually shows I am seperating paragaraphs? Really! I am! Thank you!
Thursday, February 10, 2011
My 3 Cryptically Secret Crushes
Let's see. I haven't blogged in, like, a kazillion years or so.
Been kinda gun shy.
Also, didn't like how cryptic I was becoming. Even I couldn't figure out who I was really talking about when re-reading posts!
Really!
For example, back in '01 or '02 I "allowed" myself to have secret crushes on 3 guys. I know, I know, I know... everyone has crushes on people from time to time. Well, not me! I was always shy... and, morbidly obese. Somewhere along the way I decided I was not really a "normal" person and came to the conclusion that there was no way anyone would ever want to be with me. So, I didn't want anyone to feel the shame of being the crush of "that enormous creature". The way I did that was throwing myself into music and just never allowing myself to go there. Anyway, so about 10 years ago I'd been working out, eating healthy, going to OA meeting and had lost over 125 lbs. I was starting to maaaayyybbbeee consider myself as a human, rather than a creature. There were 3 guys who had always been nice to me and each had qualities I realized I liked. So, I wondered what it would be like if I let myself think, "Wow! He's a really cool guy and I like him!"
Let me point out here, we are not talking sexual. More of just noticing.
Hey, I was born on "The Day of the Observer"!
Anyway, in reading old blogs I figured out who 2 of them were (never used names; was uber cryptic because I also didn't want anyone I knew figuring it all out and exposing it to the world. I mean, I would've spontaneously combusted from the utter embarrassment I was certain to have put on these 3 unsuspecting gentlemen!), but kept reading the blogs over and over and over to figure out who the hell the 3rd guy was! It's taken me almost 5 years, but I've finally figured it out!
Guy #1 was one of our waiters at Islands in Beverly Hills (which no longer exists). We went, religiously, after classes on Tuesdays, Thursdays and Saturdays, be it 2 or 12 of us. It was just what we did! After a year or so of being a regular, this new waiter started. Most of the kids that worked there were nice, but had a little bit of 'tude. Not this guy. If I remember correctly, he was studying Children's Literature, had a slight English accent, wire rimmed glasses, was tall with sandy hair that would sometimes fall over his glasses. He was soft spoken, caring, sweet smile and just was a nice guy... to everyone. I liked him, but for some reason, decided to see what it felt like to have a crush on him. A secret crush. Went on for years. I only told a couple of friends... who were sworn to secrecy... but would cast a knowing smile when we'd find out he would be our waiter. Ahhhhhh..... I wonder what happened to him.
Guy #2, out of the blue, came to my rescue. I'd never had someone just jumping in, apologizing for those of their gender who take advantage of and rip women off, just because they're women. He then took charge and helped me find a way to solve the situation. He was ticked I had been treated so poorly and then went out of his way to make up for all the a$$holes out there! He made sure I was alright and taken care of. He made me feel safe, and I trusted him. I decided he was my secret crush #2.
Guy #3... this is the guy I so cryptically blogged about! Long story short, and still a bit cryptic, he was part of the Sunday meetings over @ Roxbury Park. I will never forget when a group of us all went to the movies after lunch... and I was seated next to him! I'd had a crush on him because he was nice, funny and seemed to be a good guy. Since then, he's been married, had kids.
Bad thing about blogging... once I start yawning, I have to stop! However, whenever I stop, I rarely (if ever) go back and finish.
So... I haven't blogged in a kazillion years because I got too cryptic. Well, it's mainly to protect my unsuspecting "topics"! ha!
Anyway, it's only 8:00pm, but I'm off to sleep!
Til next time!
Been kinda gun shy.
Also, didn't like how cryptic I was becoming. Even I couldn't figure out who I was really talking about when re-reading posts!
Really!
For example, back in '01 or '02 I "allowed" myself to have secret crushes on 3 guys. I know, I know, I know... everyone has crushes on people from time to time. Well, not me! I was always shy... and, morbidly obese. Somewhere along the way I decided I was not really a "normal" person and came to the conclusion that there was no way anyone would ever want to be with me. So, I didn't want anyone to feel the shame of being the crush of "that enormous creature". The way I did that was throwing myself into music and just never allowing myself to go there. Anyway, so about 10 years ago I'd been working out, eating healthy, going to OA meeting and had lost over 125 lbs. I was starting to maaaayyybbbeee consider myself as a human, rather than a creature. There were 3 guys who had always been nice to me and each had qualities I realized I liked. So, I wondered what it would be like if I let myself think, "Wow! He's a really cool guy and I like him!"
Let me point out here, we are not talking sexual. More of just noticing.
Hey, I was born on "The Day of the Observer"!
Anyway, in reading old blogs I figured out who 2 of them were (never used names; was uber cryptic because I also didn't want anyone I knew figuring it all out and exposing it to the world. I mean, I would've spontaneously combusted from the utter embarrassment I was certain to have put on these 3 unsuspecting gentlemen!), but kept reading the blogs over and over and over to figure out who the hell the 3rd guy was! It's taken me almost 5 years, but I've finally figured it out!
Guy #1 was one of our waiters at Islands in Beverly Hills (which no longer exists). We went, religiously, after classes on Tuesdays, Thursdays and Saturdays, be it 2 or 12 of us. It was just what we did! After a year or so of being a regular, this new waiter started. Most of the kids that worked there were nice, but had a little bit of 'tude. Not this guy. If I remember correctly, he was studying Children's Literature, had a slight English accent, wire rimmed glasses, was tall with sandy hair that would sometimes fall over his glasses. He was soft spoken, caring, sweet smile and just was a nice guy... to everyone. I liked him, but for some reason, decided to see what it felt like to have a crush on him. A secret crush. Went on for years. I only told a couple of friends... who were sworn to secrecy... but would cast a knowing smile when we'd find out he would be our waiter. Ahhhhhh..... I wonder what happened to him.
Guy #2, out of the blue, came to my rescue. I'd never had someone just jumping in, apologizing for those of their gender who take advantage of and rip women off, just because they're women. He then took charge and helped me find a way to solve the situation. He was ticked I had been treated so poorly and then went out of his way to make up for all the a$$holes out there! He made sure I was alright and taken care of. He made me feel safe, and I trusted him. I decided he was my secret crush #2.
Guy #3... this is the guy I so cryptically blogged about! Long story short, and still a bit cryptic, he was part of the Sunday meetings over @ Roxbury Park. I will never forget when a group of us all went to the movies after lunch... and I was seated next to him! I'd had a crush on him because he was nice, funny and seemed to be a good guy. Since then, he's been married, had kids.
Bad thing about blogging... once I start yawning, I have to stop! However, whenever I stop, I rarely (if ever) go back and finish.
So... I haven't blogged in a kazillion years because I got too cryptic. Well, it's mainly to protect my unsuspecting "topics"! ha!
Anyway, it's only 8:00pm, but I'm off to sleep!
Til next time!
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