WARNING: this entry contains a landmine of f-bombs!
To quote
Lisbeth’s t-shirt…
I am beyond livid
right now!
Okay… just really pissed!
But, I'm also pissed that I had a
delayed reaction of knowing I was pissed.
AND, pissed that this person doesn’t have
call-waiting, a cell phone (to text) or Internet (to e-mail)! The longer I get that BUSY SIGNAL on the phone, the madder I'm getting!
And, please note... this was only a mere 7
minutes after we hung up.
Hell, years ago it would’ve taken me 2 – 3 MONTHS to
have my reaction!
Seriously!
I KNOW it was
immediate in my tone/response, but my head does this funny thing with, “we’re
not gonna let you process this right now because we want a bagel and get a bit of self sabotaging done!"
But, yeah. He
crossed the line. Again.
Ya know, here’s
the way I see it and feel when it comes to dealing with me. I may have to
re-think/re-adjust my ways, but here goes (Please note: I know this may not
seem entirely fair):
1. Don’t lie to me;
2. Don’t lie to me;
3. Don’t try to play me for a fool;
4. Don’t lie to me;
5. Don’t make up an excuse for something you
haven’t even done; tell me you told me because you “know how I think” and then
add on an extra excuse which gives the illusion of this being MY FAULT (when
there was nothing there to begin with – now you have me feeling shitty about
myself). I read somewhere if you feel the need to justify a situation with more
than one reason (excuse) when trying to smooth something out to make it not
look like you had any ownership in the “issue” that didn’t even exist an hour
earlier, chances are (and I’ll put it into my own words), you are a FUCKING
FUCK full of SHIT!!!;
6. Don’t lie to me;
7. Don’t lie to me;
8. Don’t bullshit or try to scam me;
9. Know that you DIDN’T “get away” with it.
Know there was NOTHING to “get away” with until you made it as such; and,
finally…
10. DON’T FUCKING LIE TO ME!!!
Okay… that
being said, I haven’t decided if I’m just going to drive over there to have a
face-to-face talk (yell… cry… whatever!) since I cannot fucking get through on
the fucking phone!
* DEEP BREATH *
I woke up in a
great mood this morning! I got to re-connect with a dear friend yesterday and
one this morning. Will admit, my ankle is hurting (in the hard to stand/walk
sense of the word), but it wasn’t until the portion of this 3rd
phone call (to me) when the, “I know how you think” stuff started, oh-while
trying to confirm something from me (via my job), that made me feel used.
Again.
* DEEP BREATH *
A shrink of
mine, years ago, said I really am NOT passive aggressive. She said I was passive and usually just acted like a doormat. She said she could understand why
people thought I was passive aggressive… because anytime I had the guts/courage
to stand up for myself/say what I felt, they weren’t used to/conditioned to
hear me voice something different. Whether that’s the case or not, I know I do
NOT handle being mad well…
But, I’m going
to try!
* ONE LAST DEEP BREATH *
:-)
PS - Hours after this journal entry was finished I finally got through. He knows I am angry, but I said we needed to talk, and I didn't want to do it over the phone. I take full ownership of my passive aggressive behavior here. And, in writing/venting this, I now need to
let
it
go.
***
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