Thoughts on a Sunday

No one has ever had my undying love,

Nor do I think they will.

How can I share

What’s been hidden so deep?

So deep in which even I doubt its existence?

Ah, but it has to be there!

Somewhere.

Doesn’t it?

Or else, why am I here?

Are those of us,

The “never have been”s,

Here to serve, entertain and be reminders

To the “those who have”?

Of what their lives could’ve been…

If only they hadn’t?

Oh, the thick, high, sturdy walls

I’ve put up and kept up!

Was it out of a sense of duty?

Loyalty?

Did I agree to be a martyr

For matters of the heart?

Because, surely, there needs to be one

So everyone else may enjoy their bliss!

Right?

Is my gift…

My purpose…

To this world

NOT to love,
NOT to be loved,

So others may?

I’m finally beginning to doubt that.

But, that was the agreement going in,

Wasn't it?

How dare I change the rules?

For a brief moment

I lived in the present.

It was glorious!

It was beautiful!

My walls disappeared!

I felt myself not feeling

I had to keep the martyr status.

No one needs that!

Then one day,

With my walls down,

I fell

Out of the present.

And I have been falling…

And falling…

And falling…

Ever since.

I haven’t admitted

To the crash.

To the burn.

To being hurt.

So, I will now.

I hurt!

My heart aches.

I can pinpoint events,

But refuse to blame

Anyone but myself.

So, watching parents with their children,

And couples with each other

I wonder if it’s just

“The grass is always greener”,

Or, am I just the court jester this time around?

No one has ever had my undying love

Nor do I think they will.

But I need to acknowledge,

And try to mend,

My broken heart.